some times its calm.

some times everything rises

over my head.

and i hold my breath

i hold my breath and i wait.

its cold the wind is harsh i am waiting waiting for the begining of the month

to have a nother apartment to pretend that i am home in.

i dont mention him much,

because his name causes stabing sensations all over my body

and to the depths of my soul but i miss phoenix my son, my savior

he is my phoenx and with out him i begin to crumble

in to dust

which is bad in windy weather.

i want him to be proud. and i want to hugg him.

nothing matters to me but him really him and music.

He saved me with out even trying,

from the terribal monseter that lives some were inside me that wishes

to destroy me.

myself i supose,

the part of me that hates the thought of screaming for mercy

as some one who grew up tortured i supose its only natural to be sick like this,

always trying to prove to the fire that it cant burn you.

and i dont mean tourtured like some suburban teen full of angst

i mean it in a litaral sence hidden basment under the floor bords and all,

it deranges a person.

for me though as a side note i am lucky

i feel i love people more for it which is strange

like suffering helped me to understand beauty

some times the way the sky looks is so pretty it makes me cry

like i can see it more or something i can feel it.

i dno what it is exactly maybe because most people have not had the same

light and shayed so its kind of lonly state to be,

i will never not feel inocent in this way,

and it makes me so unbearably sad somtimes

that people cant just be kind to eachother,

to me and to the sky

and it uesed to make me distruct

and i used to play dangurous games with my life.

like watching a flower close.

but now phoenix

i have died many times in my life,

and now i am reborn, he makes me behave

for no other reason than i love him

and he loves me

and i would never hurt some one that he loves.

ever.

when i smile proudly he glows

and i glow

and it is the most

incrubtable thing i have ever felt.

i would die for his smile, so i live for him.

i hope to god my ticket is ok

and can go home to him soon

so that this wind will stop.