So here i am blurting again.. to no one.

i have split in to two half's

and they are both broken

i dare not tell anyone..

Everybody knows some times you have to choose between your own

happiness and the ´right thing´

Today i let the first arrow fire at my self to shelter and keep safe

´the right thing´ to rectify ´the situation.´

so now i just have to not flinch..

just let it hurt

sink deeep in to me

and smile.

no sudden movements

no sign of struggle

or regret.

i wont give it away.

just

implode

oh so quietly

and cover it

with my beautiful smile.

Hello blog long time no see

so alot has happend since my last need

to type into this little blank white space.

but basicly

i am a monster

it has come inside me

i let it in you see

i sauced out tradgedy

again

so aluring

dam it

dam him

dam, him i couldnt even curse his name!

and some how after moments of melting like butter in to bliss

here i sit

compramised

a monster

i cant even say what it was that i have done

i couldnt even confess it to a stranger

..

but i have come out of a haze..

an overwealming sadness that rushed over me

trigered it

awoke it

trigered the hunger of the

little monster sleeping quietly inside me

trigered the down ward spiral how many pills shots

joints and glasses of strait vodka i have had is really a mistery

but i remember roaming on a warpath

a path of punishment.

shit.

the mosnter masicist one this round.

So i consider my slef a serious type,

and so here i sit reflecting back on 8.30 this morning

when i was far to encompante to understand how to use my key

to open the door to my new house

and having stood there for an hour with no sucsess calling my poor house mate

who open the door to a rather inebreated me in full cat costume whisers an all

fumbing and mummbling. away not only did he open the door for me

no he showed me how to use my key.

yes.

embaressment is at an all time high.

The wind is subsideing

and the snow is capping thw mountains again..

i have a place that i can call home.

and a dear friend,

i feel thankfull, and slightly silly.

its strange how this stuff happens.

the tieds of living some times up, some times down.

but back to my friend he makes me smile and some how

dont have to try to explain my self its so nice,

its strange how sometimes very rarly you meet people or more a

that amazes you and you can love them so easly.

just for being them.

sigh..

this entry feels like an empty cup.

another time...

some times its calm.

some times everything rises

over my head.

and i hold my breath

i hold my breath and i wait.

its cold the wind is harsh i am waiting waiting for the begining of the month

to have a nother apartment to pretend that i am home in.

i dont mention him much,

because his name causes stabing sensations all over my body

and to the depths of my soul but i miss phoenix my son, my savior

he is my phoenx and with out him i begin to crumble

in to dust

which is bad in windy weather.

i want him to be proud. and i want to hugg him.

nothing matters to me but him really him and music.

He saved me with out even trying,

from the terribal monseter that lives some were inside me that wishes

to destroy me.

myself i supose,

the part of me that hates the thought of screaming for mercy

as some one who grew up tortured i supose its only natural to be sick like this,

always trying to prove to the fire that it cant burn you.

and i dont mean tourtured like some suburban teen full of angst

i mean it in a litaral sence hidden basment under the floor bords and all,

it deranges a person.

for me though as a side note i am lucky

i feel i love people more for it which is strange

like suffering helped me to understand beauty

some times the way the sky looks is so pretty it makes me cry

like i can see it more or something i can feel it.

i dno what it is exactly maybe because most people have not had the same

light and shayed so its kind of lonly state to be,

i will never not feel inocent in this way,

and it makes me so unbearably sad somtimes

that people cant just be kind to eachother,

to me and to the sky

and it uesed to make me distruct

and i used to play dangurous games with my life.

like watching a flower close.

but now phoenix

i have died many times in my life,

and now i am reborn, he makes me behave

for no other reason than i love him

and he loves me

and i would never hurt some one that he loves.

ever.

when i smile proudly he glows

and i glow

and it is the most

incrubtable thing i have ever felt.

i would die for his smile, so i live for him.

i hope to god my ticket is ok

and can go home to him soon

so that this wind will stop.

kind of detached from everything

like..

eating a lot of after dinner mints.

and watching my life.. and how i talk

and hoping to have the energy to carry on the show

the production.

until i have a place to rest.

on a side note thank god for friends.

When i cant sing

like right now (i have strep thoat)

i cant be

my voice is dancing on my chest

to get out

but it has no way

i sing every day.

just because i cant help it.

i have been kamakazing

stupid cigarets and lack of sleep

im too dramatic.

i only take it out on me

its silly and pointless

why the fuck dose it satisfy my need so much

i neeeed to get over it

god.

Last night i went night walking as usual i suppose..

just walked about in the weather listened to music

The wind was so strong i stretched out my arms wile i was walking down a hill and closed my eyes

i felt like i was flying

and i forgot for awhile

it was nice.

night walks...

are so perfect.

i guess everyone here must think its so passé

but for me back home its 31 degrees..

the dark cold windy streets,

are so peaceful.

bright leaves dancing on black.

the quiet empty streets and the wind racing through them,

it makes me feel like im glowing.

2 days of going to sleep at 8am

sober.

ive been working on this track now for 2days straight.

i like hibernation.

the clouds are so beautiful slowly migrating across the sky

my whole apartment might be falling apart and in shambles

but the view is perfect for working by..

it kind of takes me away from everything els.

the water and the mountains even the big gray unfinished buildings seem to be helping me along. The wind blows through them and they sound as if there breathing or sighing.

i almost feel like were friends and there watching over me.

As for blue eyes..

the thought of him makes me chain smoke or eat something despite that i am no were near hungry.

i think i am going to take up palates.

god.

At home its easy when it comes to men, boy wants girl..

girl decides whether she wants boy or not the end.

Here its different because the girls are easy and the boys are hard to keep.

God i hate the unnecessary awkwardness that i have stumbled in to.

of course it is my own fault. all of it.

It would be nice to just go to sleep in the same bed as some one and just sleep.

just sleeep nothing wild or sinister.

i always disguise this thought though. its week. so id rather be alone than admit it.

not that admitting it would get me any wear.

and i guess not just "some one " would do.

i miss innocence.

thank god for hibernation.

its a beautiful day,

grey and rainy

i got rained on the whole way home.

i am walking the streets of sobriety

getting ridd of all those little monsters

perhaps its eayser to be happy now knowing that little blue eyes is

out of the country.

it feels nice to be free of all those thoughts...

free from everything ..

except cigarets.

some how they have crept there way back in to my life like an

exboyfriend when your vulnerable.

not to worry though that phase will dissipate

with more herb tea and rain.

soon i hope.

the sky is so pretty and almost lilac grey.

i love this weather.

i love it when it rains.

Love.

NO

i dont think so

my chest hurts just thinking about it.

i think i might be some kind of emotional alien to the whole thing.

like maybe i am allergic to other people.

its not that i dont belive in love or loving people,

i love all people some times i see someone walking by me on the other side of the road

and i love them completely so much so that it tends to hurt.

when i see violence it makes me want to cry because i cant help thinking about there imaginary families and the vonribal little thoughts in there head after they close there eyes.

but this kind of love this ROMANCE.

i think its like cigarets to me.

poison.

destructive.

i have been clean sober of all things romance and for so long i thought i was immune.

immune to all the silly tribulations i have been watching my friends and everyone els in the world experience with detest.

perhaps it was boredom or a false sense of secretly from the dangers of being drunk of the Poisson of the emotional destruction that lead me to wander away from my solace and other wise safe and peaceful existence.

i picked some one out, out of the crowed some one that seemed safe. some one who was smart and not boring not ridiculously handsome but some one i could just listen too when i didnt feel like talking, some one that seemed like they would enjoy someone like me liking some one like them. Some one with sad blue eyes..

it was safe, because he was some one i would want to be friends with i didn't feel shy he didn't intimidate me.

it was fun and safe and not serious or intense just nice.

i started to see.

behind his blue eyes..

sadness.

a pain

that i wanted to fix.

i felt it.

and then it happened that stupid allergic reaction..

and it commenced...

a combination of giving up and trying hard...

bowing out. and reaching out.

my pride for the gift of comfort.

the carnage and destruction of my heart.

i am an alien.

i didnt even know my little frail heart was exposed.

All this stupid useless work being alone. and training to be used to it

not need anyone to not have needs. now i just want sad blue eyes to be happy

and to look at me and to know thats all. not more. just that.

some how i am vulnerable and feeling stupid. everything i tried not to be.

i have to run. i have to start again and become sober.

Its such a strange place to be..

here in the hallway of this ridiculous dysfunctional building.

apparently the getto hub of down town reykjavik..

pondering.

and its funny because i would never expect to be here at the same time,

i am really not surprised.

life is so interesting when you stop forcing against it.

and just soak up whats around you. i dont think people do that very often.

just stop and release where they are.

its the strange and small details that are missed. i guess thats the thing, being completly conscious is just so very seldom nobody really notices were all walking around forgetting were awake, not being asleep but.. just forgetting. i find it enough to just be awake sometimes just to watch and listen and let people be what they are instead of what you expect.

we are are all such strange and interesting creatures when we are free to operate that way. expectations are the biggest load of bullshit.

but in fact the codeine from last night mixed with the no sleep and whatever els is making this a very difficult task.

and im not sure theres really a point.

i guess thats me.