Love.

NO

i dont think so

my chest hurts just thinking about it.

i think i might be some kind of emotional alien to the whole thing.

like maybe i am allergic to other people.

its not that i dont belive in love or loving people,

i love all people some times i see someone walking by me on the other side of the road

and i love them completely so much so that it tends to hurt.

when i see violence it makes me want to cry because i cant help thinking about there imaginary families and the vonribal little thoughts in there head after they close there eyes.

but this kind of love this ROMANCE.

i think its like cigarets to me.

poison.

destructive.

i have been clean sober of all things romance and for so long i thought i was immune.

immune to all the silly tribulations i have been watching my friends and everyone els in the world experience with detest.

perhaps it was boredom or a false sense of secretly from the dangers of being drunk of the Poisson of the emotional destruction that lead me to wander away from my solace and other wise safe and peaceful existence.

i picked some one out, out of the crowed some one that seemed safe. some one who was smart and not boring not ridiculously handsome but some one i could just listen too when i didnt feel like talking, some one that seemed like they would enjoy someone like me liking some one like them. Some one with sad blue eyes..

it was safe, because he was some one i would want to be friends with i didn't feel shy he didn't intimidate me.

it was fun and safe and not serious or intense just nice.

i started to see.

behind his blue eyes..

sadness.

a pain

that i wanted to fix.

i felt it.

and then it happened that stupid allergic reaction..

and it commenced...

a combination of giving up and trying hard...

bowing out. and reaching out.

my pride for the gift of comfort.

the carnage and destruction of my heart.

i am an alien.

i didnt even know my little frail heart was exposed.

All this stupid useless work being alone. and training to be used to it

not need anyone to not have needs. now i just want sad blue eyes to be happy

and to look at me and to know thats all. not more. just that.

some how i am vulnerable and feeling stupid. everything i tried not to be.

i have to run. i have to start again and become sober.