You're the colour,
you're the movement and the spin.
Never
Could it stay with me the whole day long
Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence
and smile.
I'm not in this movie
I'm not in this song.
Never
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.

You're the colour,
you're the movement and the spin.
Never
Could it stay with me the whole day long
Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence
and smile.
You're not in this movie
You're not in this song.
Never

Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.

So here i am blurting again.. to no one.

i have split in to two half's

and they are both broken

i dare not tell anyone..

Everybody knows some times you have to choose between your own

happiness and the ´right thing´

Today i let the first arrow fire at my self to shelter and keep safe

´the right thing´ to rectify ´the situation.´

so now i just have to not flinch..

just let it hurt

sink deeep in to me

and smile.

no sudden movements

no sign of struggle

or regret.

i wont give it away.

just

implode

oh so quietly

and cover it

with my beautiful smile.

Hello blog long time no see

so alot has happend since my last need

to type into this little blank white space.

but basicly

i am a monster

it has come inside me

i let it in you see

i sauced out tradgedy

again

so aluring

dam it

dam him

dam, him i couldnt even curse his name!

and some how after moments of melting like butter in to bliss

here i sit

compramised

a monster

i cant even say what it was that i have done

i couldnt even confess it to a stranger

..

but i have come out of a haze..

an overwealming sadness that rushed over me

trigered it

awoke it

trigered the hunger of the

little monster sleeping quietly inside me

trigered the down ward spiral how many pills shots

joints and glasses of strait vodka i have had is really a mistery

but i remember roaming on a warpath

a path of punishment.

shit.

the mosnter masicist one this round.

So i consider my slef a serious type,

and so here i sit reflecting back on 8.30 this morning

when i was far to encompante to understand how to use my key

to open the door to my new house

and having stood there for an hour with no sucsess calling my poor house mate

who open the door to a rather inebreated me in full cat costume whisers an all

fumbing and mummbling. away not only did he open the door for me

no he showed me how to use my key.

yes.

embaressment is at an all time high.

The wind is subsideing

and the snow is capping thw mountains again..

i have a place that i can call home.

and a dear friend,

i feel thankfull, and slightly silly.

its strange how this stuff happens.

the tieds of living some times up, some times down.

but back to my friend he makes me smile and some how

dont have to try to explain my self its so nice,

its strange how sometimes very rarly you meet people or more a

that amazes you and you can love them so easly.

just for being them.

sigh..

this entry feels like an empty cup.

another time...

some times its calm.

some times everything rises

over my head.

and i hold my breath

i hold my breath and i wait.

its cold the wind is harsh i am waiting waiting for the begining of the month

to have a nother apartment to pretend that i am home in.

i dont mention him much,

because his name causes stabing sensations all over my body

and to the depths of my soul but i miss phoenix my son, my savior

he is my phoenx and with out him i begin to crumble

in to dust

which is bad in windy weather.

i want him to be proud. and i want to hugg him.

nothing matters to me but him really him and music.

He saved me with out even trying,

from the terribal monseter that lives some were inside me that wishes

to destroy me.

myself i supose,

the part of me that hates the thought of screaming for mercy

as some one who grew up tortured i supose its only natural to be sick like this,

always trying to prove to the fire that it cant burn you.

and i dont mean tourtured like some suburban teen full of angst

i mean it in a litaral sence hidden basment under the floor bords and all,

it deranges a person.

for me though as a side note i am lucky

i feel i love people more for it which is strange

like suffering helped me to understand beauty

some times the way the sky looks is so pretty it makes me cry

like i can see it more or something i can feel it.

i dno what it is exactly maybe because most people have not had the same

light and shayed so its kind of lonly state to be,

i will never not feel inocent in this way,

and it makes me so unbearably sad somtimes

that people cant just be kind to eachother,

to me and to the sky

and it uesed to make me distruct

and i used to play dangurous games with my life.

like watching a flower close.

but now phoenix

i have died many times in my life,

and now i am reborn, he makes me behave

for no other reason than i love him

and he loves me

and i would never hurt some one that he loves.

ever.

when i smile proudly he glows

and i glow

and it is the most

incrubtable thing i have ever felt.

i would die for his smile, so i live for him.

i hope to god my ticket is ok

and can go home to him soon

so that this wind will stop.

kind of detached from everything

like..

eating a lot of after dinner mints.

and watching my life.. and how i talk

and hoping to have the energy to carry on the show

the production.

until i have a place to rest.

on a side note thank god for friends.